Video: CNY Fertility Offers Support on Grief


Hi, I’m Lisa Stack, the CNY Fertility Support Coordinator.  I wanted to upload a video to talk about grief.  Grief is something that can occur after a miscarriage or a pregnancy loss; but it can also occur at many other stages while trying to conceive.  Many of our patients initially feel grief when they initially come to the center, because it’s an acknowledgment of a loss of the plan.  Their plan being one day when I’m ready, I will try for a couple of months and hopefully conceive on my own and have the ideal pregnancy and delivery that I’ve always wanted.  When you come to our office, it’s more than an acknowledgment and an outward statement that, “OK, my plan didn’t go as I had hoped, so I need to make some changes; and things are going to happen exactly as I had imaged them in my dreams and in my own vision.  So, there’s a loss there.  That loss deserves to be grieved.
There are many other losses that can occur.  Some patients feel that every month they receive their period, that’s a loss as well, because it’s a loss of a potential pregnancy that could have been.  So, we need to address all of these losses, acknowledge them, and own them.  They’re yours, they’re your feelings.  If you’re feeling the various stages of grief, it’s best for you to sit in those emotions.  Allow yourself to feel those emotions, don’t bottle them up or feel, “Oh, I should be stronger than this.  I shouldn’t cry, I shouldn’t get angry”.  That’s when emotions get buried deep, and they will eventually come out and erupt.  They usually happen when we don’t want them to or at the least opportune times.  So, it’s better and healthier for you to feel the emotions and let them work through themselves and let them work through by exploring them and then working towards creating something positive out of them.  While you may not find any positive in whatever the situation is you are in right now, eventually, you may find something that will lead you to think, “OK, it was the best thing that could have happened at that time.  It was painful and it was terrible.  It was such a challenge, but something good came from it.  There was a reason that I had to go through that awful experience.”  Like I said, it may not come for years, you may not ever feel that something really good came from it, but at least know that one day you will become a little bit more comfortable and it won’t hurt as much.  You will never fully forget that this happened and you will never move on and abandon those thoughts and that child that you have lost, but it will sting a little bit less.  The day to day will get a little bit easier.
I posted a couple of articles about the grief process which is the various stages of how to help yourself work through them and help your partner work through them.  This Saturday at the Syracuse CNY Fertility Center, I will be holding a workshop on grief and loss and various changes and how to work through them, acknowledge them, how to praise them, how to honor them, just really everything you want to do when there is some loss or challenging emotion that you’re working through.  You can email me for more information.  If you can’t make it to the workshop on Saturday, I will be addressing a lot of these topics during our support webinar on Monday evening.  That’s also on our calendar.  Beyond that, starting next month in October, I will be doing a monthly webinar from my home, so it can reach your home.  We will be talking about these challenging emotions and how to cope with various stages and various events and emotions during the fertility process.  So, if you have any questions or if you have anything in the back of your mind that you want me to address, or you’re revisiting grief emotions when you see other children, the birth day of the child that you lost is coming up; all of these are events and times to work through and times to pay attention to.
So, gather those questions and tune into the webinar and I will address them and we can work through them together.  Just know that your feelings are yours and they’re justified and you have every right to feel them.  You have every right to work through them, cry, get angry, yell, and whatever you need to do.  We are here to help you work through it.  Please let me know if there’s anything that I can do.  If you’re in the office and you’re feeling that you need a little bit more time or someone to talk to, let the nurses know.  There’s always nurse there that can help you in the moment that can help walk you through that moment as well.  Talk to you soon.