Video: Nora Shares her Journey to Fertility Part 2


Nora F. : On What Gives Her Hope and Where She Finds Support  {{vspace8}}It’s like a thing you have to decide half-way through.  I really didn’t tell people a lot about what I was going through.  So, there would be things that would upset me, but people didn’t know what I was going through so it was hard for them to be empathetic if they don’t know what you’re going through.  Recently, I’ve been much more open and honest about what I’m been going through and what’s happening.  Really, what did it was my pregnancy last fall because I was showing and people knew.  Finally, when you let go of the secrecy; when let go of that, it just is such a relief.  If somebody was really sick, and they had a terrible diagnosis, you would want to know so that you could take good care of them.  I think that for my family, it’s important for me to say exactly what I am going through.  You don’t have to do anything different but if I don’t feel like partaking in the picnic, chances are maybe because something just happened—who knows—my medicine is late, I don’t feel good, or my spirits are down today.  It’s not because I don’t love you or you’re not important to me, it’s just because I deal with this all the time.{{vspace8}}Today is the day where I am not that strong today.  I don’t need a great big lecture to divulge in things, but just those little pieces of kindness help keep you going.  Knowing that people understand, knowing that people still believe in you, and knowing that you still believe in you.  Right before we got pregnant, we had tried a bunch of treatments and nothing worked.  We decided to pursue adoption.  We went to meet with a counselor, and we were at the adoption place.  We were talking about all the processes and everything that you have to do.  It seemed really daunting at the time.  I remember just feeling in my gut, “I don’t know if this is what I am supposed to do, but I am so exhausted.  We’ve been through so much already.”  Little did I know what was coming down the pike, at that point.  I didn’t know what to do.  I am not a super-religious person, I certainly believe in a higher power for sure.  I am not exactly sure how this is all going to flush out, but I honestly didn’t know what to do.  It’s not like I was scared and didn’t know what to do; I didn’t know what to do!  I was so tired and I remember just saying, “What am I supposed to do?  I don’t know what to do anymore.  I am stuck.  I don’t know what to do.”{{vspace8}}I took a test on Valentine’s Day and I was pregnant.  I remember thinking, “OK.  So, I am supposed to see this through to the end.  That’s what I am supposed to do.”   When all these other things go wrong, and all these other crazy things come up, a lot of times, I go back to that and think this is what I am supposed to do.  I am resolved to this that that happened.  I spent ten years not being pregnant and in that moment I was pregnant.  My heart breaks at those losses, but I tasted that part of motherhood.  That gives me hope that I’ve seen a little bit of motherhood, and that I’ve felt a little bit of that motherhood.  If I didn’t have that, I wouldn’t know what to do next.{{vspace8}}There’s such support with everybody here—Dr. Cain, Dr. Kiltz, Heather, Erin, and everybody that I see.  Everyone from the person that you call to make an appointment with, everybody just knows you and they know your name.  You don’t think much about that maybe, but it has to be like a support group.  Those little interactions help you feel like it’s going to be OK.  They know you, they’re going to take care of you, and they know your name.  When my husband would give me my shots, he used to joke around and be like, “OK.  Date of birth.”  I felt like that would be the only way that I’d have interactions with medical facilities or doctors’ offices was just by my date of birth.  It was funny, or funny that he does it.  It just illustrates how important it is that you can sit in a waiting room here—it’s not even a waiting room, you just go downstairs and have your coffee and hang out.  People here know a little bit about what you’re going through, and are comfortable enough to sometimes share or talk about that.  I remember being in other waiting rooms and just thinking, “There are a ton of us here right now, all getting our blood work done, we’re all trying to keep it on the down low, and get to work on time and go about our day; when really we’re freaking out inside and have no one to talk to.  Here we all are just looking at each other or looking at the ground, we’re not even making eye contact.{{vspace8}}To have a place like this, and to have people who know your name and who take good care of you, and are invested in you feels immensely supportive.  You wouldn’t think, but it’s huge!  Everything from a phone call, “How’s your day today?  Oh, good.”  You’re not on hold and you’re not just saying your date of birth makes such a difference.{{vspace8}}It’s so individual for people and it’s such a personal process; you have to do what feels right for you at that time.  What’s going to work for you, your partner, or you and your life.  There isn’t a set schedule of how you do things; you have to go through so many IUI’s before you can do the IVF.  You can’t do the IVF because you can get pregnant on your own or whatever.  There’s no set path.  You have to figure out what feels right for you, and go with that.{{vspace8}}I think there’s a lot that can be done for reading and educating yourself, but I think that also sometimes you can really start comparing your numbers with someone else’s numbers, your issue with someone else.  How come their level is this?  There has to be a sense of what’s right for you.  For me, it’s definitely knowing what’s happening or being educated.  I don’t like to get so wrapped up in the internet and what’s out there.  Stay off of the WebMD, because it’ll make you crazy!  You have to listen to yourself and what your body does, and what’s right for you; that’s not what it’s always going to be on the internet or what your best friend is having or what somebody at the clinic is having done.  It’s your body; it’s so unique to you.  Emotionally, to take very good care of yourself.  Don‘t expect that that you’re going to be the same person that you were at the beginning.  I am not the same person.  I’ve learned to walk with grief, and even laugh with grief.  That’s OK.  I know that now.  It’s given me great clarity.  I would not ever exchange those experiences for everything.  I am exactly where I want to be because I am right where I wanted to be with what’s right for me, right now.  It took me ten years.  Some people can do this in three, it took me forever; but I wouldn’t have been ready.  I wouldn’t have been able to be where I am today last summer or two summers ago.  It took me a while to figure it all out!
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