Video: Nicole Shares Her Journey to Fertility


Nicole M:
I remember at the beginning doing my first IUI.  I was like, “This has to work!  I’m doing an IUI.  This is going to work” and it didn’t.  I was just so shocked.  Then second one, this is going to work, it’s number 2, but it didn’t.  Then the third one, three times is a charm, this will work and it still didn’t.  I wish in a way I knew someone else who had gone through this maybe as much as I had, or close to what I had gone through just knowing in the beginning it may not work.  That’s OK.  You have to have patience and persistence and just keep trying.  Then again, when I did my first IVF cycle, “This is going to work!  It’s IVF, how could it not work?”  Even as a nurse knowing IVF is not 100%, I still felt like it has to work.  You want to be positive; you don’t want to be negative.  You want to be positive and think it’s going to work.  Also, just kind of knowing in the back of your mind that it may not, and you have to decide what’s best for you.  Are you going to try again?  What other options are you going to try and explore?  There are many different options out there.  Just knowing that it could to take a long time.  {{vspace8}}
Hi, I’m Nicole.  I’m one of the nurses here at CNY Fertility.  When you come to CNY Fertility as a new client, you meet with one of the providers and a nurse.  The nurses help guide you along.  Providers come up with your plan and what’ the best protocol for you through your fertility journey.  As a nurse, we just really try to be there for you through all your questions and concerns; help cheer you on, on the way, or we always answer the phones for your questions, we do a lot of blood draws and ultrasounds.  We’re just always here for you.{{vspace8}}
Also, I am a client here at CNY Fertility.  I’ve gone through this fertility journey myself, and I try to think of the positive through all of this and the positive thing I tell myself a lot is I can really relate to the clients as they come and listen to their stories, and what they’re going through.  I feel the same feelings, and I can really relate to them.  I feel like I can really help them through their fertility journey a little bit more.  Not more, but I can really help them with what they’re going through.{{vspace8}}
About nine years ago, my husband and I decided to start our family.  Knowing my parent’s situation, my parents had fertility issues, and ended up adopting my sister.  I knew about infertility and thought that it may be hard for me to get pregnant the first time.  No reason to think that, I just thought that may be my situation.  It happened, it was not.  The very first month we tried, we were successful.  We wanted her to have a brother or sister, so we started trying and it didn’t happen the first month, or the second month, then it was like, “What is going on?”  At about nine months, we did get pregnant, and just were so happy finally.  Everything was fine, and then we went for the first ultrasound and there was no heartbeat.  We were just devastated at that point.  The first pregnancy, I was a little nervous.  Everything was just so perfect with the first time; I just thought it would be perfect the second time.  I didn’t have a miscarriage the first time, so why would I have a miscarriage this time?  So, there was no heartbeat, and just a very early loss.  It was just very, very difficult and shocking.  When you have miscarriage, the more you talk about it; it really helped us get through it.  Then you realize other people have gone through it and have had the same situation.  That’s comforting in a way to know that you’re not alone in this process, and this happened to other people.{{vspace8}}
So, we tried again.  We were thinking, “Well, one miscarriage is OK.  We can get past that and try again.”  It just didn’t happen for a very long time.  It was like a year.  My OB kept saying that everything is OK, and just keep trying.  It’s very frustrating when something is not happening, and  you don’t have answers why.  Everyone wants to know the problem and why.  You get diagnosed with what’s called secondary infertility.  You get pregnant the first time with no problems, and then for no known reason, the second time you don’t.  I had a lot of guilt with that.  You think, “What’s wrong with me or my body.”  You feel bad for your child because you want them to have a sibling, you want them to have a brother or a sister, and you have that guilt.{{vspace8}}
Along the way or the process, we ended up doing a total of 10 IUI’s.  We started out with the Clomid or the Clomid pills, and then we proceeded with injections,  FSH injections, and just kept trying over and over again.  On my fertility journey, I started thinking, “I’m doing everything the doctor is telling me.  Why is this not working?  Is there anything else out there that I could do?”  You’re willing to do anything.  I first found about acupuncture for fertility.  I was doing that with our acupuncturist here, Heather.  That was amazing.  First of all, it gave me someone to talk to who really knew about what I was going through, and about different things I could try.  Not all the pills I was taking or the ultrasounds and the blood work.  Acupuncture for fertility is just so relaxing.  I sat and talked with her a lot at the beginning, and told her my story; just getting it out made me feel so much better.  Then, the treatment just lying there, listening to relaxing music with the needles.  I felt like that was doing something.  I left after the appointments really feeling less stressed, and just overall good about myself, and that I could keep trying, I could keep doing this.{{vspace8}}
It was just amazing to see both sides of it.  Yes, I’m into the blood work, the ultrasounds, and I did surgery, I did laparoscopy/hysteroscopy, I did everything I could.  The support groups are just amazing to know that you are not alone, and just to talk to other people and hear their stories.  Whether they are on their journey or if they are successful, both are amazing to hear.  They help you to get through day-to-day and what you’re going through.{{vspace8}}
Eventually, it will work.  You’re not sure when, and I think that’s the hardest thing is not knowing not when.  If someone said to me six years ago, “You will have a baby again.  You’re just going to have to wait a very long time” I think that would be easier.  Just not knowing and just day after day trying, and the whole rollercoaster of– OK, I got my period.  I need to do my blood work and ultrasound, and monitor through my cycle whether it’s an IUI or whatever process you’re doing, whatever cycle you’re doing.  Am I pregnant or not pregnant?  OK pregnant.  Am I going to maintain this pregnancy?  It’s just a rollercoaster.  With eastern and western, the two, it just helps you get through it.{{vspace8}}
You hear about us talk at CNY about the whole letting go process.  I heard that a lot and didn’t get it.  I felt like I didn’t need to go.  I want a baby and I want it now.  I deserve a baby.  I’m doing everything I can.  I look at all these other people who get pregnant every day.  Why are they getting pregnant and I can’t?  Every day, I just try to relax, and just be OK with my life.  Every day, I would try to go for a walk whether it’s by myself or with my daughter, and just be OK with my life.  I need to tell myself every day that if I didn’t have another baby, it would be hard, but I would be OK.  I’d kind of step back and look around, as a family, if we’re sitting in the family room watching TV or playing a game, I would think, “This is good.  I’m happy.”  I think somehow I got to that point of letting go and it took a long time to get there.  I am not sure how I got there really, but I eventually did get there.{{vspace8}}
A life lesson, and it may not be about myself but I learned that you can’t plan everything.  Someone or something out there has a plan for you.  Even though you think you have a plan, and you think, “OK.  I want this many children, and I want them born this time of the year.  I want them two years apart” or whatever your plan is.  It’s good to have a plan, but you have to be open to whatever really is going to happen.  It is different for everybody.  Your plan may be what’s supposed to happen for you, but your plan what you think is going to happen, may not be what’s supposed to happen.  You have to be OK with that.{{vspace8}}
My favorite part is when we call somebody after we got their blood results back and tell them they have a positive pregnancy test.  That’s like the highlight.  We cheer!  As nurses and providers, we’re just so excited!  It’s like the best phone call!  When they’re about 8 weeks pregnant and they graduate from us, that’s kind of bittersweet.  They’re so happy, they’re graduating, and they get to go to their OB and move on.  That’s an amazing part as well.  After, they come back with their pregnant bellies or with their babies with them to say hi and let us know about their birthing stories, or their pregnancy stories.  We don’t get to see them and we really enjoy them.  Also, I have been through this, I feel like I can really help clients that way.  I have been through this, and really know what this feels like.  I’ve been through IVF, so I can tell them the little things to expect like:  take a pillow in the car because you’re going to be sleeping on the way home, and you’re going to want to be comfy—little things like that!  I really enjoy that I can see both sides of it.{{vspace8}}
Everybody’s story is different.  I have been here about 2-1/2 years as a nurse.  Just to meet everybody and to hear their stories, it is very inspiring.  There are people that it may work the first time for, and then there are people that maybe have been 10 years.  Maybe some people have adopted or they do move on to adoption, or they give up or let go, then they call back and say they’re pregnant on their own!  That’s amazing, so that’s inspiring.  Every day when I come to work, you don’t know what to expect.  I’m just there to totally help people through their fertility journey.{{vspace8}}
In the end of this, I just think the biggest thing that you have to remember is that you’re going to be OK through all of this.  It’s super-hard but you’re going to be OK.  Life is going to throw you all kinds of curveballs and all kinds of situations, and you’re going to be like, “Why?!  Why am I going through this?”  You’ll get through them.  I think it’s so important through this or any situation, any hard situation whether it’s infertility or something else—I have found it’s so important to reach out to family, to your friends, support groups, and just share your story, and be willing to hear other people’s stories as well because they’re going to help you get through.  Even though it’s not the same situation, somehow it helps you knowing that you’re not alone, and to knowing that you’re not the only one.{{vspace8}}
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