Video: Amy Shares her Journey to Fertility


I was always told by various doctors always have a backup plan.  Always know what you’re going to do if the day comes and in that cycle and it’s negative—have a backup plan.  So, of course, going through all my IUIs and even in the beginning with my IVFs, it was always like, “Well, we’re just going to do it again.  We’re just going to get right back up and do it again.”  You know you have a few days of being really hard on yourself, and feeling really terrible about it.  You feel like you’ve failed yourself, and just feeling so miserable about it.  The hardest thing is seeing so many people around you being successful and really feeling like they’re achieving it almost effortlessly.  The hardest part was feeling like this is really it.  We’ve been going now for four and a half years and we’ve almost done everything we can do here.  Even, the doctors are kind of saying you have to have that backup plan.  Of course that backup plan for us was donor eggs or adoption, or a surrogate mother.  I remember my husband and I just leaving thinking there’s no way– there’s no way we can be that close to the end of the road here, it’s impossible.  We would entertain it here and there, different options, but we just weren’t willing to give up. {{vspace8}}
I remember in the beginning when we were first trying and there’d be a couple of people I’d talk to about it.  I remember one of the first books somebody gave me to read was How to Take Charge of Your Fertility.  I remember looking back on that thinking, “Wow, this is great.  I’m a take charge kind of person.”  I’ve always set goals for myself and whenever life has pushed, I’ve pushed back.  It’s always been a matter of working hard to achieve whatever you want.  It took me until I really got to CNY Healing Arts and Fertility Centers here and I remember them giving us another book.  It was a book about another couple who had been through all of this together and now they were on the road helping others.  It took us to this point to realize that you could do all the temperature reading, all of the different things on your own to help monitor your cycles, but it’s not until you take charge of yourself emotionally that you really can truly take charge of this and conquer this.  I remember one of the first things Dr. Kiltz never pressured us or pushed us into doing something.  One of the first things he wanted me to look into and to think about was just going to yoga and coming to the support group.  That, in and of itself, was like, “Whoa!  Hold on!  We want to get this show on the road.  We want to get this thing started.”  I respected that he wasn’t pushing us; he wanted us to feel good.  Ultimately, I look back on that and this whole time Dr. Kiltz always wanted his patients and always wants his patients to feel good about what they’re doing.{{vspace8}}
On Beginning IVF {{vspace8}}I went into it thinking, “Oh, OK we’ll try two times, but we won’t need it twice.  The first time it has to work.  I’m very healthy, I’ve had all these other tests done, nothing showing anything significant here.”  We went into it thinking, “This is great.  This is going to be it.  This is going to work” and it didn’t work.  We ended up having a frozen leftover and we put that little guy back in and of course, the whole time we joked about having frozen embryos, but it was just all put together for you.  The thought process in that was really eliminated, so you could focus on all of the other emotional pieces.  During that whole time, I was doing the yoga religiously.  At first I thought, “Yoga?  This is just not for me.  I’m a basketball player; I’m into more aerobic activity.  I’m not sure how this is going to fit into my lifestyle.”  Yoga really helped me internalize and really learn more about my body.  It helped me relax mentally and helped me stay grounded and centered in a way that I had not been before.  It also opened up a whole new level of support because I started attending the support groups here.  Never have I had that opportunity to just sit down with a group of other women who are going through the exact same thing. {{vspace8}}
After that frozen little guy, he didn’t work; we did our second IVF and we actually did achieve a pregnancy and it didn’t last very long.  After that point now, now we’re done with the package that we have bought with Dr. Kiltz.  During that time, I was also doing acupuncture, and I was also treating myself as I would call it to massages because I believe wholeheartedly that you had to feel good about yourself and you had to put yourself in a good place.  So, that was kind of my treat and occasionally a facial. {{vspace8}}
So, then we ended up having some surgery done.  It was around that time when I had that surgery that I also came to grip with some other things.  I was learning more and more about myself.  Ultimately, now we were pushing four plus years of infertility and not achieving our dream here.  There became a point where it was so important that we stay grounded and that my husband and I, our relationship, just continued to get stronger.  My whole life, I never wanted to look back and have any regrets.  So, the last thing I wanted to do was to have so many wonderful things that I could count my blessings for including my health, aside from the infertility.  Having your health, having your family, and having your friends, and having somebody, a partner, and a relationship and having all that love around you.  I never wanted to look back and have this be something that kept me from enjoying life.  Ultimately, you have so much to live for.  Even if children are ultimately what you desire and you so strongly desire, it was so heartbreaking month after month after month; I didn’t want to look back and think this was time in my life that I felt badly about. {{vspace8}}
That’s when I started to see the counselor that I have here.  Emily was tremendous.  I started seeing her every week or every other week.  I knew that mentally or emotionally, there was so much support around me with the support group.  At that point, I was beginning to talk more about my infertility and talk to more friends about it and to more family about it.  I wasn’t so much a secret anymore that I was going through this and the heartbreak was so real and so near; but it was to a point where they could only do so much for me. {{vspace8}}
In January, now we were entering our third IVF.  Of course, that one failed again.  At that point, it was my worst IVF cycle that I had had.  I remember sitting down with Dr. Kiltz and my husband.  At that point, it was pretty discouraging because there still weren’t any answers.  I think that was one of the hardest things.  I really would have loved to be diagnosed with something so then at least we could tackle something and narrow it down.  We knew we were close to the end of the road in terms of the IVF with my own eggs and his sperm. {{vspace8}}
Every time we drove to Syracuse, as crazy as it sounds, those were incredible memories for us.  We really had fun with it.  I know one person in particular gave me a quote that I just hung onto and latched onto and it was:  “Keep a green tree in your heart and perhaps a singing bird will come.”  There were things like that for me resonated within and just helped me stay so that I was at peace.  Knowing that the medical piece, I’m letting go and I’m just doing it and going through the motions, and whatever they say I’m doing because I believe wholeheartedly and at the end I did.  From the get go I believed wholeheartedly in Dr. Kiltz’s team.  By the time I got to the fourth idea, there was an element too where I just went into it more relaxed and really believed that I was just going to do what I could do and really just take on the pieces that felt most right to me.  At that point, it was the yoga and the acupuncture and again that counselor that I was seeing that CNY Healing Arts & Fertility Center connected me with here—Emily, she was just phenomenal.  At that point, it was something that I had to really discover and build from within; only I could help with something like that. {{vspace8}}
The evening after our taping Amy emailed me the following message:  “I kept thinking afterwards there is so much more I wish I had said-but most importantly I wished at the end that I thanked all of the staff at CNY for changing our lives and for being a part of our journey-and in particular my husband and I thank Dr. Kiltz and Dr. Cain for their expertise, their support, their persistence, their dedication, their love, and for helping us create our miracles.” {{vspace8}}

3 replies
  1. kimm branch
    kimm branch says:

    We couldn’t be happier for all of you! You were so inspiring with your great since of humor, unending drive and all the love that you exude.
    sunshine & happiness,

  2. Shericka
    Shericka says:

    I became very dishearten with the results of two unsuccessful IVF cycles. But, truly listening to Amy’s words with an open HEART and not my emotions puts me on the path of clarity. I’m the cloud in my own rainstorm.
    Rainbow of blessings!!!!

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