Posts

21
Nov

April's Journey to Fertility: Proof Positive!

by

April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately three years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face. CNY Fertility Center has locations in Syracuse, Albany and Rochester, NY.
Week 77:  Proof Positive!
I am writing this blog as my husband finishes the second coat of paint on the baby’s nursery – on our baby’s nursery!
After four years and two months of trying to conceive, after over a dozen IUIs and three rounds of IVF, I can finally say that I am pregnant. I know I have waited a considerably long time to share my news with you, but that is simply because I have been walking around in this combined state of gratitude (because some random young woman donated her eggs so I could be a mother), fear (because I know how fragile this tiny life that is growing inside of me is) and disbelief (because this is happening to ME). If there is one lesson I know to be true, it is quite simply this: “keep at it.” Sound familiar? If you have ever worked with Dr. Kiltz, you know that he truly believes that if we persevere, our dream will become a reality…and with every doctor’s appointment and ultrasound picture, this pregnancy becomes more real.
The day we found out about our pregnancy, I would not even let anyone from CNY call to tell me the results. In the past, whenever I had a pregnancy blood test, the follow up call was never a happy one, but instead was one filled with my awkward silence because I was trying not to have an emotional breakdown over the phone. And this particular one was going to be the mother of all calls – this time we had pulled out all the stops by using a third party donor and spent more than we ever have financially. There were no embryos to freeze (but there were embryos transferred into me, and we had NEVER gotten that far!). If this did not work, I had no idea what our next step would be. Yes, we had attended adoption seminars and had talked about that possibility, but I still very much wanted to have the experience of bonding with my baby through pregnancy. I remember crying the night before I went in for my blood test, saying over and over again, “What if it doesn’t work?” My husband finally just looked at me and quietly said, “What if it does?” That didn’t necessarily bring me out of my state of panic, but it certainly gave me a different, more positive perspective.
And when we looked at the patient portal and my HCG result was 91, I knew I was finally pregnant.  I screamed the words out loud and even cried because I was so happy. If you have followed my blogs over the past several years, you know that I had an MS diagnosis
just as we began our attempts to conceive and have come across many other hurdles up until this point. There were days when I thought I may never experience viewing my baby on an ultrasound, hearing her heartbeat or feeling her kick…and then in a matter of  hours, I went from talking to the nurse at CNY, during my blood draw, about how I had
some cramps since the second day after transfer to finding out those cramps were my baby implanting and snuggling into my womb.
I remember my last unsuccessful IVF In December of 2010 – I was debriefing with Dr. Cain on the phone, sitting in front of my Christmas tree, talking to her about how my eggs weren’t maturing no matter what the meds protocol was. If she had told me, during that phone call, that in a matter of months I would be pregnant., there is no way I would have believed her. If she had said that next Christmas would be completely different for me because I would not be in the midst of fertility treatments and would instead be in the midst of my pregnancy, I would have been skeptical. That is what is so difficult, the chances that pregnancy will happen are actually quite significant, but we do not know when or how that will happen. What I can tell you though, is that if you persist, the likelihood that you will become pregnant is much greater than the chance that you will never become pregnant. I am not saying the road is easy or the journey is smooth, I am just saying that if I gave up last Christmas and wasn’t open to different options, I would be sitting here this holiday season feeling the same sadness that I had felt over the last four years.
My intention for you is this: Reflect upon what you have done already to treat your infertility and what you might do differently for the next cycle. Do not get caught up in the financial part of the process, but get caught up in the fact that we have opportunities the generation before us did not. Remember, that CNY Fertility & Healing Arts Centers want you to succeed nearly as much as you want to succeed. Don’t forget that money comes and money goes, and certain experiences in life truly are worth any amount of money. Lastly, don’t give up on your dream. I am proof that when you open yourself up to possibilities and you simply forge forward, your dream can become a reality.
In gratitude,
April all Year
April.marques@yahoo.com

15
Aug

April's Journey to Fertility: Where to Keep the Focus

by

April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately three years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face. CNY Fertility Center has locations in Syracuse, Albany and Rochester, NY.

Week 76: Where to Keep the Focus
I have always had the internal struggle over what to do with my mind when I am in a current cycle.  Do I focus on what I am doing now, which could be anything including well-timed sex to IVF to exploring adoption, or do I focus on future options just in case the current procedure doesn’t work? I wish I had an answer for this because being positive during each cycle has always been a challenge for me.  The fear that I could psych myself up only to be let down has been like a hovering cloud for years. I do know, however, that the “carrot” of having other options to pursue has always been a bit of a comfort for me.
Since I strongly believe there is no right or wrong answer, let me simply remind you of this. Having a plan is incredibly grounding when you are in the midst of fertility treatments, which can be overwhelming and demanding. So why not take a look at your options and make a list. Begin by acknowledging what you have already done and give yourself and your partner credit for all of the energy and time put into past cycles. Then begin a detailed list of what comes next. You may want to do this with your partner; or perhaps you could each create a list and see how the two compare. I would definitely be specific (i.e.,  3 IUI cycles, consult appointment with doctor, 1 IVF cycle then consult with doctor again, 2 more IVF cycles then revisit adoption and/or another consult with doctor, etc.) but realize that your plans may change. For example when we did not even make it to transfer for our first IVF cycle, we had some serious re-thinking and re-planning to do.
Being focused is a result of being anchored, and I do believe that no matter what is in your fertility plan, the simple fact that you have one can be comforting. I suggest you spend some time perusing CNY’s comprehensive website. Read through some of the Success Stories to see how those women and couples ultimately reached their goal of parenthood. And don’t be afraid to explore methods that you may not have considered before you began this journey.
Staying focused,
April all Year
14
Jun

April's Journey to Fertility: Mother's Day & Father's Day

by

April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately three years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face. CNY Fertility Center has locations in Syracuse, Albany and Rochester, NY.
Week 74: The Second Set of Holidays: Mother’s Day & Father’s Day
My original plan was to write about adoption this week, but then Mother’s Day came around and we were simultaneously immersed in the donor cycle (still are.) Now, Father’s Day is quickly approaching. I would like to say my family is aware of our sensitivity to these holidays, yet I still have to explain  to them the same feelings I have had for over four years now: Mother’s Day is a reminder of the fact that I am not able to conceive, that if we do conceive it will truly be a miracle, and even then, I will have to be closely monitored for months. I already know that child labor will involve a C-section because I have had previous surgery. The sacrifices that we are making right now are downright frightening; I have postponed more aggressively treating a progressive disease because that is how badly I want to be pregnant and to have a baby. Somehow though, my struggles – our struggles – become negated by my family’s expectations that their needs should be acknowledged at all costs.
When I said to my mother, “If I had a daughter who had been trying to conceive for four years, I might not have high expectations of her on mother’s day. In fact, I might tell her to do something fun for herself. I might tell her to save her money because I know so much of it is going toward various medical expenses.” Her reply was disheartening. Instead of providing the understanding and empathy a mother might instinctively offer, she reminded me that I had ignored her last Mother’s Day, that she raised me, and that she thought I should know my sister was taking her to brunch on Sunday. Of course, these comments provoked an outburst as I recalled a number of recent, hurtful actions on my parents’ part.
To make matters worse, I was at work during this phone call. I hung up in tears and went down the hall to talk to one of my friends and simply said, “If I wasn’t broken enough already, I am pretty sure I am close to falling completely apart right now.” And then I did just that. I cried for all of the expectations others have of me that I simply cannot meet because my emotional capacity is spent on trying to manage my fertility treatment and on managing my Multiple Sclerosis. I cried because my parents will never meet my expectations, and I cried because all I want is what so many others simply get: a young healthy family in which both the parents and children are healthy and happy. And I cried just because sometimes it is not your family who makes the difference when you need them, but it is your friends who see you are literally falling apart in front of them and then help you to pick up the pieces.
Although I am thankful for my friends, I am disappointed about my family’s inability to consistently express the understanding and empathy I, their daughter, need. And I am tired of acting like everything is okay when my life clearly has emptiness and pain. The last four years have been a struggle on many, many counts. Since my emotional capacity is limited, I know I need to acknowledge when too much is simply too much. Therefore, if I need to sit out one holiday or all of the holidays in order to maintain my mental stability, then so be it. And if my family is not able to understand my needs, then that truly is their issue. I plan to spend Sunday with my husband, who is my number one supporter and who will make an exceptional father – hopefully soon!
In acknowledgement of my true feelings,
April all Year

Success Stories

21
Nov

April's Journey to Fertility: Proof Positive!

by

April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately three years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face. CNY Fertility Center has locations in Syracuse, Albany and Rochester, NY.
Week 77:  Proof Positive!
I am writing this blog as my husband finishes the second coat of paint on the baby’s nursery – on our baby’s nursery!
After four years and two months of trying to conceive, after over a dozen IUIs and three rounds of IVF, I can finally say that I am pregnant. I know I have waited a considerably long time to share my news with you, but that is simply because I have been walking around in this combined state of gratitude (because some random young woman donated her eggs so I could be a mother), fear (because I know how fragile this tiny life that is growing inside of me is) and disbelief (because this is happening to ME). If there is one lesson I know to be true, it is quite simply this: “keep at it.” Sound familiar? If you have ever worked with Dr. Kiltz, you know that he truly believes that if we persevere, our dream will become a reality…and with every doctor’s appointment and ultrasound picture, this pregnancy becomes more real.
The day we found out about our pregnancy, I would not even let anyone from CNY call to tell me the results. In the past, whenever I had a pregnancy blood test, the follow up call was never a happy one, but instead was one filled with my awkward silence because I was trying not to have an emotional breakdown over the phone. And this particular one was going to be the mother of all calls – this time we had pulled out all the stops by using a third party donor and spent more than we ever have financially. There were no embryos to freeze (but there were embryos transferred into me, and we had NEVER gotten that far!). If this did not work, I had no idea what our next step would be. Yes, we had attended adoption seminars and had talked about that possibility, but I still very much wanted to have the experience of bonding with my baby through pregnancy. I remember crying the night before I went in for my blood test, saying over and over again, “What if it doesn’t work?” My husband finally just looked at me and quietly said, “What if it does?” That didn’t necessarily bring me out of my state of panic, but it certainly gave me a different, more positive perspective.
And when we looked at the patient portal and my HCG result was 91, I knew I was finally pregnant.  I screamed the words out loud and even cried because I was so happy. If you have followed my blogs over the past several years, you know that I had an MS diagnosis
just as we began our attempts to conceive and have come across many other hurdles up until this point. There were days when I thought I may never experience viewing my baby on an ultrasound, hearing her heartbeat or feeling her kick…and then in a matter of  hours, I went from talking to the nurse at CNY, during my blood draw, about how I had
some cramps since the second day after transfer to finding out those cramps were my baby implanting and snuggling into my womb.
I remember my last unsuccessful IVF In December of 2010 – I was debriefing with Dr. Cain on the phone, sitting in front of my Christmas tree, talking to her about how my eggs weren’t maturing no matter what the meds protocol was. If she had told me, during that phone call, that in a matter of months I would be pregnant., there is no way I would have believed her. If she had said that next Christmas would be completely different for me because I would not be in the midst of fertility treatments and would instead be in the midst of my pregnancy, I would have been skeptical. That is what is so difficult, the chances that pregnancy will happen are actually quite significant, but we do not know when or how that will happen. What I can tell you though, is that if you persist, the likelihood that you will become pregnant is much greater than the chance that you will never become pregnant. I am not saying the road is easy or the journey is smooth, I am just saying that if I gave up last Christmas and wasn’t open to different options, I would be sitting here this holiday season feeling the same sadness that I had felt over the last four years.
My intention for you is this: Reflect upon what you have done already to treat your infertility and what you might do differently for the next cycle. Do not get caught up in the financial part of the process, but get caught up in the fact that we have opportunities the generation before us did not. Remember, that CNY Fertility & Healing Arts Centers want you to succeed nearly as much as you want to succeed. Don’t forget that money comes and money goes, and certain experiences in life truly are worth any amount of money. Lastly, don’t give up on your dream. I am proof that when you open yourself up to possibilities and you simply forge forward, your dream can become a reality.
In gratitude,
April all Year
April.marques@yahoo.com

15
Aug

April's Journey to Fertility: Where to Keep the Focus

by

April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately three years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face. CNY Fertility Center has locations in Syracuse, Albany and Rochester, NY.

Week 76: Where to Keep the Focus
I have always had the internal struggle over what to do with my mind when I am in a current cycle.  Do I focus on what I am doing now, which could be anything including well-timed sex to IVF to exploring adoption, or do I focus on future options just in case the current procedure doesn’t work? I wish I had an answer for this because being positive during each cycle has always been a challenge for me.  The fear that I could psych myself up only to be let down has been like a hovering cloud for years. I do know, however, that the “carrot” of having other options to pursue has always been a bit of a comfort for me.
Since I strongly believe there is no right or wrong answer, let me simply remind you of this. Having a plan is incredibly grounding when you are in the midst of fertility treatments, which can be overwhelming and demanding. So why not take a look at your options and make a list. Begin by acknowledging what you have already done and give yourself and your partner credit for all of the energy and time put into past cycles. Then begin a detailed list of what comes next. You may want to do this with your partner; or perhaps you could each create a list and see how the two compare. I would definitely be specific (i.e.,  3 IUI cycles, consult appointment with doctor, 1 IVF cycle then consult with doctor again, 2 more IVF cycles then revisit adoption and/or another consult with doctor, etc.) but realize that your plans may change. For example when we did not even make it to transfer for our first IVF cycle, we had some serious re-thinking and re-planning to do.
Being focused is a result of being anchored, and I do believe that no matter what is in your fertility plan, the simple fact that you have one can be comforting. I suggest you spend some time perusing CNY’s comprehensive website. Read through some of the Success Stories to see how those women and couples ultimately reached their goal of parenthood. And don’t be afraid to explore methods that you may not have considered before you began this journey.
Staying focused,
April all Year
14
Jun

April's Journey to Fertility: Mother's Day & Father's Day

by

April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately three years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face. CNY Fertility Center has locations in Syracuse, Albany and Rochester, NY.
Week 74: The Second Set of Holidays: Mother’s Day & Father’s Day
My original plan was to write about adoption this week, but then Mother’s Day came around and we were simultaneously immersed in the donor cycle (still are.) Now, Father’s Day is quickly approaching. I would like to say my family is aware of our sensitivity to these holidays, yet I still have to explain  to them the same feelings I have had for over four years now: Mother’s Day is a reminder of the fact that I am not able to conceive, that if we do conceive it will truly be a miracle, and even then, I will have to be closely monitored for months. I already know that child labor will involve a C-section because I have had previous surgery. The sacrifices that we are making right now are downright frightening; I have postponed more aggressively treating a progressive disease because that is how badly I want to be pregnant and to have a baby. Somehow though, my struggles – our struggles – become negated by my family’s expectations that their needs should be acknowledged at all costs.
When I said to my mother, “If I had a daughter who had been trying to conceive for four years, I might not have high expectations of her on mother’s day. In fact, I might tell her to do something fun for herself. I might tell her to save her money because I know so much of it is going toward various medical expenses.” Her reply was disheartening. Instead of providing the understanding and empathy a mother might instinctively offer, she reminded me that I had ignored her last Mother’s Day, that she raised me, and that she thought I should know my sister was taking her to brunch on Sunday. Of course, these comments provoked an outburst as I recalled a number of recent, hurtful actions on my parents’ part.
To make matters worse, I was at work during this phone call. I hung up in tears and went down the hall to talk to one of my friends and simply said, “If I wasn’t broken enough already, I am pretty sure I am close to falling completely apart right now.” And then I did just that. I cried for all of the expectations others have of me that I simply cannot meet because my emotional capacity is spent on trying to manage my fertility treatment and on managing my Multiple Sclerosis. I cried because my parents will never meet my expectations, and I cried because all I want is what so many others simply get: a young healthy family in which both the parents and children are healthy and happy. And I cried just because sometimes it is not your family who makes the difference when you need them, but it is your friends who see you are literally falling apart in front of them and then help you to pick up the pieces.
Although I am thankful for my friends, I am disappointed about my family’s inability to consistently express the understanding and empathy I, their daughter, need. And I am tired of acting like everything is okay when my life clearly has emptiness and pain. The last four years have been a struggle on many, many counts. Since my emotional capacity is limited, I know I need to acknowledge when too much is simply too much. Therefore, if I need to sit out one holiday or all of the holidays in order to maintain my mental stability, then so be it. And if my family is not able to understand my needs, then that truly is their issue. I plan to spend Sunday with my husband, who is my number one supporter and who will make an exceptional father – hopefully soon!
In acknowledgement of my true feelings,
April all Year