Posts

9
Jun

April's journey to fertility: Week three

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Fertility SymbolApril is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately two years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face.
Week three: Deliberate choices
I felt the pressure of an infertility diagnosis creeping upon us long before the one year mark. Our first unsuccessful attempt at conception was such a disappointment; I truly (and perhaps naively) believed I was pregnant after only one attempt at conception. The second month of trying to conceive, I found out my best friend was pregnant with her first child. I was happy for her, but tearfully sad we were not both pregnant. By the third month of trying to conceive, I was in the midst of a major medical work up because I was exhibiting what would quickly be diagnosed as Multiple Sclerosis. As a result of our rather disheartening initial three attempts at conception, I felt that I had to become pregnant sooner rather than later.
I used my recent diagnosis as a means to justify moving more quickly than the average couple through fertility testing. Fear quickly became the driving force behind my decisions. (What if I had a disease flare up that left me disabled? What if one of us was sterile? What if I had already waited too long to conceive? What if we never had a baby?) We put little forethought into what we were doing; instead I simply followed doctors’ orders and allowed myself to mechanically move through the fertility treatment process. I have to admit I never really thought any of the IUIs would work. I wanted them to, but somehow I just knew that we were going to have a long road ahead of us.
Following my sixth and last IUI cycle (it might even have been my seventh – I lost count!), I had a car accident after leaving the doctor’s office. The accident was minor, but the reality check was major. I remember thinking that I just could not run around like that anymore Read more

2
Jun

April's journey to fertility: Week two

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Fertility SymbolApril is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately two years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face.
Week Two: This moment
At some point over the last two years, I have begun to steer away from the drama and fear of infertility. If anyone asked me to pinpoint when I began to embrace all motherhood rather than run from the pregnant women at the grocery store or have a meltdown at the beginning of each menstrual cycle, I would have to attempt articulating how this attitude is a result of my own ability to experience each moment as it is versus how I would rather it be. Somewhere in the past two years, I realized that the amount of time I spend worrying about future events is simply a waste. I cannot afford to fret about those experiences over which I have no control. And, friends, I have no control over when I will become pregnant. That, however, does not mean I am powerless, which is the key difference between envisioning the miracle and trying to plan the miracle. Within me lies the power to be happy, not to necessarily create an opportunity for happiness but to experience happiness within this moment.
However, the question from last week’s blog still remains, how did I get to the point where I was able to help my friend throw the baby shower? I think the answer is this; I have learned too many tough lessons in the last two years not to realize how much I actually do have and to appreciate my many blessings. For example, I have an exceptional husband and, on most days, I am happy and healthy. I live in a time where both infertility and MS have so many possible treatments that success on both fronts is far more likely than not. I have this moment to embrace and in the midst of every moment is an opportunity to simply be happy – whether it is a rainy or sunny day, whether I am pregnant or not. I have often heard that happiness is a choice, a state of mind. I used to think “whatever, try being me.” But with a great deal of emotional work, I have realized that enjoying what is happens to be far more rewarding than wishing about what could be. And although there is no baby yet, she is coming. Somehow, I just know a baby is in my future.  I have to remember that the overall goal isn’t when I become pregnant, or how I become pregnant, but that I become a mother (and I will!). Read more