April's journey to fertility: Week twenty

by
6
Oct

Fertility SymbolApril is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately two years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face.
Week Twenty: Marital Bliss and Infertility
Is there such a thing? When I reflect on our last seven years of marriage, I think about some of our worst fights (which in hindsight were actually quite ridiculous). At some point, I realized the majority of the arguments were not worth our energy, but learning how to communicate about what was important was worth every ounce of fight I had in me. And communication between partners who are dealing with infertility is not only paramount to a marriage’s success, but is essential to its survival.
While I am no expert in marital success, there are some techniques that have enhanced our communication skills. My husband feels that an occasional argument is helpful because we are openly dealing with our issues. I agree, to an extent. I think that there are some unspoken rules that we follow to safeguard our marriage. For example, we don’t curse at each other. I know this sounds somewhat juvenile, but one furious and nasty term or word can sting. Harsh language may slip out, but we do our best to control the urge.
Additionally, we make every attempt to control the volume of our voices. For me, this is exceptionally challenging. I am a feisty Italian woman who likes to be heard and can be somewhat stubborn. In any event, we work hard to curtail any screaming.
Some couples think that going to bed before an argument is resolved is harmful. However, life becomes extremely complex and demanding during fertility treatments and sometimes a good night’s sleep can provide a fresh perspective for one or both spouses. There are times when we have been unhappy about an issue for a full day or two before we can communicate effectively enough with each other. Personally, some of the issues are so emotionally demanding that it is tough for me to make a point without becoming a weepy mess, which is exactly when I need to take a break.
Above our bed, there is a framed sign that states “Always kiss me goodnight.” Although we do joke about who needs to kiss whom, we do usually kiss goodnight. Sometimes we do not get to the kiss until we are both half asleep or I demand it when he is half asleep, but that is okay 🙂 . We also kiss when we say goodbye to each other in the morning and then when we see each other at the end of the day. Kisses are a great way to begin and end any day; even if we are not happy with each other about something, we know that we are not unhappy about everything.
Finally, write it down, whatever it is. I remember one particular time when I was upset and felt as if my husband wasn’t appreciating everything I was doing (many women feel like this because we are the ones going through the majority of the treatments), but when I read the beautiful card he wrote me later that day, I understood that he did appreciate my efforts and was as upset as I was that we had not yet achieved a pregnancy.
Whatever issues are important to you, remember to find a way to effectively communicate with each other because your marriage should be a haven as you deal with each stage of fertility treatments.
Also, please feel free to share any tips that have worked for you and your spouse. I do love your comments and believe that we can help each other by sharing with each other!
Blissful Blessings,
April all Year
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Below are links to April’s past articles in case you missed any of them:
Week nineteen: The changing seasons
Week eighteen: Grand Opening
Week seventeen: Trust your place
Week sixteen: Labels
Week fifteen: Keeping the faith
Week fourteen: Keep at it
Week thirteen: Maya Abdominal Massage
Week twelve: Acupuncture
Week eleven: A little bit at a time
Week ten: Well-timed reminders
Week nine: Summertime
Week eight: Resiliency
Week seven: Tiny miracles
Week six: Bahama Mama
Week five: The right path for us
Week four: Our fertility treatment “break”
Week three: Deliberate choices
Week two: This moment
Week one: My story

3 replies
  1. Teresa Marie (THE MOM)
    Teresa Marie (THE MOM) says:

    Hi April:
    I did enjoy your newsletter this week on communication with wife and husband notice I put wife first. April one thing kinda bothered me is that not only are you a feisty Italian women but also a feisty Portugese women also. What would Ova say, you know what she would say!!!!!
    Love,
    The MOM

  2. Janet
    Janet says:

    Hi April and The Mom,
    I know what you mean April you get into an arguement and in your head you start thinking it’s my body that’s getting poked, proded, examined to within an inch of your life, medications that you can only understand if you have been there (I have named some of mine witch pills just to warn my husband!!). We do forget about the husbands and my husband did what yours did and wrote his feelings out in a card so when I start going off in that direction he just hands me the card and I stop and think. But more focus should be put on our parents. My mom and dad have been so supportive, helpfull and a sorce of strength. We should recognize that it can’t be easy for our parents especially the mom’s to watch their “little gir” go through such a “rough” time. Remember to every once in a while remind them that you are ok and that the outcome will be so worth it. My parents could light up the room with their eyes just at the mention of Josh and huge smiles are on their faces just talking about Dr. Kiltz and the clinic. So…keep on going, stay as together as you can and remember nobody can understand what you are going through if they don’t know about it, so share your stories you never know who you will help!!!!!

  3. Heather Harrington
    Heather Harrington says:

    My husband and I also have the “always kiss me goodnight” picture above our bed 🙂 I dont let him go to sleep otherwise.

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