April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately two years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face.
Week Twenty: Marital Bliss and Infertility
Is there such a thing? When I reflect on our last seven years of marriage, I think about some of our worst fights (which in hindsight were actually quite ridiculous). At some point, I realized the majority of the arguments were not worth our energy, but learning how to communicate about what was important was worth every ounce of fight I had in me. And communication between partners who are dealing with infertility is not only paramount to a marriage’s success, but is essential to its survival.
While I am no expert in marital success, there are some techniques that have enhanced our communication skills. My husband feels that an occasional argument is helpful because we are openly dealing with our issues. I agree, to an extent. I think that there are some unspoken rules that we follow to safeguard our marriage. For example, we don’t curse at each other. I know this sounds somewhat juvenile, but one furious and nasty term or word can sting. Harsh language may slip out, but we do our best to control the urge.
Additionally, we make every attempt to control the volume of our voices. For me, this is exceptionally challenging. I am a feisty Italian woman who likes to be heard and can be somewhat stubborn. In any event, we work hard to curtail any screaming.
Some couples think that going to bed before an argument is resolved is harmful. However, life becomes extremely complex and demanding during fertility treatments and sometimes a good night’s sleep can provide a fresh perspective for one or both spouses. There are times when we have been unhappy about an issue for a full day or two before we can communicate effectively enough with each other. Personally, some of the issues are so emotionally demanding that it is tough for me to make a point without becoming a weepy mess, which is exactly when I need to take a break.
Above our bed, there is a framed sign that states “Always kiss me goodnight.” Although we do joke about who needs to kiss whom, we do usually kiss goodnight. Sometimes we do not get to the kiss until we are both half asleep or I demand it when he is half asleep, but that is okay 🙂 . We also kiss when we say goodbye to each other in the morning and then when we see each other at the end of the day. Kisses are a great way to begin and end any day; even if we are not happy with each other about something, we know that we are not unhappy about everything.
Finally, write it down, whatever it is. I remember one particular time when I was upset and felt as if my husband wasn’t appreciating everything I was doing (many women feel like this because we are the ones going through the majority of the treatments), but when I read the beautiful card he wrote me later that day, I understood that he did appreciate my efforts and was as upset as I was that we had not yet achieved a pregnancy.
Whatever issues are important to you, remember to find a way to effectively communicate with each other because your marriage should be a haven as you deal with each stage of fertility treatments.
Also, please feel free to share any tips that have worked for you and your spouse. I do love your comments and believe that we can help each other by sharing with each other!
April all Year
Below are links to April’s past articles in case you missed any of them: