April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately two and a half years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face.
Week 33: Fearful
As I begin another cycle I realize that I am not in the best of places. I am sad, angry and having a difficult time embracing those many, many pregnant women I see all over the place. Surely I notice them more now than I would have a few years ago. The population of pregnant women cannot actually be much different than it was before I wanted to be pregnant, but it definitely feels that way.
When I was talking to my husband about how I am open to IVF but incredibly terrified of the process not working, I realized how truly afraid I am that IVF might not work. Most of the time, I try to be happy and go about my daily routine; and most of the time that approach works. But sometimes, I just need to articulate how I feel, and be honest with myself as well as my husband.
Honestly, I am afraid this next stimulated IUI cycle will not work, making my total number of failed stimulated cycles well over a half dozen. I am afraid we will take the plunge for IVF only to be disappointed and heart broken. I am afraid that if we go the adoption route, my family and friends won’t accept my baby as my baby, but only as an adopted child. I am afraid of pregnancy loss, having an unhealthy baby and the myriad of other possible mishaps.
What I believe we all need to remember is that our fears are part of the process as well and that not confronting them does not lessen their severity or make them disappear. Nor does dwelling on our fears make us any happier. Finding a healthy and safe time and place to deal with our emotions is important though and part of remaining balanced as we move through this unpredictable, demanding and somewhat exhausting process is also vital to our overall well-being.
I remember recently speaking to our school psychologist who had gone through fertility treatments herself. She said that one helpful suggestion is to only allow a certain amount of time and energy per day to focus on your fertility issues and feelings. Of course, this takes work and requires being mindful, but I find that when I am busy with other aspects of my life I focus less on my fears and fertility challenges and more on enjoying the current moment.
I know that you are frustrated, angry and afraid, too. My one intention for all of us, though, is to find a way to deal with our emotions and maintain some sort of balance so that the fertility aspect of our lives is not consistently dominating the many other aspects of our lives. I would hate to look back on these several years only to realize that my anger, frustration and fear caused me to miss out on the everyday blessings and joys of life.
Try not to let the fear, frustration and anger dominate the joy and blessings.
Peace and blessings,
April all Year
Below are links to April’s past articles in case you missed any of them: