April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately two years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face.
Week 17: Trust your place
Twice in the last month I have either heard or read the saying, “Trust that God has placed you exactly where you are meant to be.” This may not be the exact wording of the phrase, but the idea certainly does evoke some inspirational thinking, especially since I sometimes think that a.) there is no God or b.) he sure gets quite a bit of amusement out of my life.
Truly, some of my best personal stories are tragicomedies. For example, I don’t think I have yet shared with you my recent summer festival story. The day after my grandfather was placed in hospice care, I went with my sister, cousin and grandmother to one of the annual summer festivals in our area. As we were approaching the end of the festival, I realized that my monthly surprise had decided to make an early appearance. Now, and I am sure you can relate, simply having my period is enough of a devastating event. Being surprised, unprepared and nearly ruining a pair of cute new shorts is beyond infuriating. Combining that experience with the impending death of my only grandfather as we were trying to give my grandmother a break from the mounting emotional exhaustion of his final weeks caused me to ponder where God had placed me and why he had placed me there. I decided was an atheist. I deserved a baby, and if God could not see that then He must just not exist. Seriously, even a mediocre God would at least time my monthly misfortune a bit better.
I am sure you can all relate to that “I got my period,” feeling, which is why I think that maybe having it come when I am busy is actually a blessing; there is no time to cry or fret. I just need to think about the current moment. In the case of the festival, I had to do some serious trouble shooting – and quickly. I could not be dramatic because we were trying to give my grandmother a carefree day. I could not have a melt down because I was in public, and I could not feel sorry for myself because I still had to figure out how to get my family along with that huge bookcase I just bought into my car. Some of these connections may seem a bit silly, but what if I did not have to go through these fertility challenges? Would my inner strength and character have developed to the extent it has?
As I consider not having had these experiences I come to many insightful conclusions. First of all, if I was already a mom, this writing opportunity would have never come along. Secondly, I would not have been able to meet all of the strong and inspirational women who I have gotten to know as a result of my involvement in CNY’s activities. I hope that somehow my ability to put these feelings that so many of us confront into words is a service to the many women who are as heartbroken, frustrated and angry as I am. I hope that somehow my views and stories make you smile or feel as though you are not alone. But more than anything, I hope you are able to better grasp the idea that we are where we are meant to be. There are so many beautiful stories of individual journeys to motherhood, and I just know that we will find our way there.
I have to briefly tell you that I was eating at a restaurant with my family the other morning and there was a pregnant waitress telling the story about how she was due soon and was explaining that she hoped her baby would be born on the 22nd. I did not hear the full story, but did hear that the waitress was hoping to somehow align her baby’s birth with the date she (the waitress) was adopted by her mother, her mother’s birthday and her own birthday. Rewind to the thoughts I had before I heard the story. They went something like this: Here is another pregnant lady and this one doesn’t even have a wedding ring on. I bet that baby isn’t planned. How is she going to raise a baby on a waitress’s salary? I am sure I had a number of other harsh thoughts running through my head, but her story made me smile. Do you know what else it made me realize – adopted children make families, too. The love is there and the bond develops just as a blood bond would. God placed me in that restaurant on that morning so I could not only experience an attitude adjustment (which I needed – I was being a brat!), but so that I could realize no matter how my children come to me, they will come and I will adore and love them no matter the circumstances of their birth.
On another note:
For those of you who would like to communicate with me on a more personal level, I just set up a Twitter profile. Someone all ready had April all Year (darn it!), so I had to settle for Aprilallyr. Feel free to see what I am doing. I hope to have a Face Book page for April all Year in the near future. You might want to motivate me with your comments though; I have been talking about setting up a face book page for months. Would you post to my page?
If you would like to meet me…
I will be at the CNY Grand Opening of the Rochester location on Tuesday, September 22, 2009. If you haven’t sent your RSVP, click here to do it now.
April all Year
Below are links to April’s past articles in case you missed any of them: