April's Journey to Fertility: Our Emotions


April is a CNY Fertility Center patient and has been on her journey to fertility for approximately three years. April will share candid stories and a unique perspective on the fertility challenges many women and couples face. CNY Fertility Center has locations in Syracuse, Albany and Rochester, NY.
Week 60: Our Emotions
More than once in the last week, the idea that we need to acknowledge our feelings as they arise has come up in conversation. During Kristen Magnacca’s recent tele-workshop titled The Dog Days of Fertility Treatment she discussed how we simply need to recognize and name our emotions. By naming our emotions we  allow ourselves to feel the emotion and can eventually move forward.
When my most recent IVF cycle was canceled due to the fact that the stimulation wasn’t going well, I told my husband and a few friends that I was “fine.” Basically, I lied in hopes that denying my true feelings would make me feel the way I wanted to feel. By the next morning, when I had two meltdowns in the time span of about three hours, it was clear that I was not okay. Instead of recognizing how I felt and discussing those feelings with my husband or even just allowing myself to have those feelings, I tried to pretend like the fact that my IVF cycle was just canceled after six days of stimulation – the IVF that followed a five month break, the IVF after the cycle where my egg retrieval yielded no mature eggs and the IVF that was supposed to be all done before I began teaching again, was not a problem.
Well, ladies, canceled cycles are a problem, and so are failed cycles and any other devastating news we get along the way. I know we try to put on our “big girl pants” and push through, but sometimes we need to allow ourselves to be sad or angry or afraid. We need to simply recognize that our feelings are normal and healthy, and we need to give ourselves time before we move onto the day’s next activity. And for goodness sake, when our husband’s ask us how we are, we should really try to spare them a delayed-out-of-nowhere meltdown (I believe mine was over making the bed) and discuss our feelings as we have them.
In the end, an allotted meltdown in the privacy of our own car (yes, sometimes that is as far as I get before the tears begin streaming down my face) or home is okay, even natural and healthy. Just remember though, the fertility process can take a long time (as we all know) and we cannot spend the whole time being sad. Let it be our intention to recognize and name the emotion, feel the emotion, discuss the emotion as necessary, and then move on with our day.
Recognizing my emotions,
April all Year